Guilt and shame I thought they were the same?

Guilt and shame – why one can guide you and the other can keep you stuck

There is a moment many women know well. You say yes when you mean no. You forget something important. You replay a conversation in your head long after it has ended and then that familiar feeling arrives. Heavy, uncomfortable and hard to name, but is it guilt or is it shame?

We often use these words as if they are the same. They arn't and confusing them can quietly keep you stuck for years.

Guilt says:  I fucked up I did something I don’t feel good about. It is linked to behaviour, something that I did. It can feel uncomfortable, but it is often healthy. Guilt helps us notice when something is out of alignment with our values. It can gently guide us back towards repair, towards honesty and towards change. In this way, guilt has a place. It is not something to get rid of. It is something to listen to. I'm human I did something I'm not happy about and I can change, apologise and put it right

Shame speaks in a very different voice. Shame says: There is something wrong with me, I'm bad, I'm fucked up. It is not about what you did, it is about who you believe you are. 

It leads to hiding isolating, or shutting down completely. For many women, shame is not new. It often has roots in earlier experiences where being too much, not enough, sensitive, emotional or human was met with criticism, silence or rejection.

So the body learns a story, I am the problem.  Guilt can sit mind, with some space to reflect, to notice, to respond.

Shame tends to move deeper. It can feel like collapse, tightness in the chest, a dropped energy, or the urge to disappear. Breath often becomes shallow or held. This is not weakness. This is the nervous system responding to threat. 

A simple way to tell the difference guilt says: I did something wrong.

Shame says: I am wrong.