You probably know the image of the swan, graceful, elegant, gliding effortlessly across the water. But beneath the surface, her legs are paddling furiously just to stay afloat. I work with many women like this. From the outside, they look capable, calm and “together”. They hold down jobs, care for families, organise everyone else’s lives and somehow keep smiling through it all. Friends describe them as strong, dependable and the one who always copes.
But underneath their nervous system is exhausted, their mind never switches off. They lie awake at 4am replaying conversations, worrying about money, ageing parents, relationships, work, health, the future and often wondering why everything feels so hard when they “should” be grateful.
These women are rarely the ones crying loudly for help. In fact, many have become experts at hiding anxiety. They’ve spent years learning how to appear calm while internally feeling as though they’re constantly bracing for something. Their whole system is in a heightened awareness, trying to protect them. Not because they are weak or dramatic, but because their body has learnt to stay alert.
Many of these women grew up being the “good girl”, the helper, the peacekeeper and the responsible one. They learnt very early that other people’s needs mattered more than their own. That being emotional was inconvenient. That rest had to be earned. That holding everything together was part of being a good woman.
So they keep paddling even when they’re exhausted, when their chest feels tight and when they secretly fantasise about running away somewhere quiet where nobody needs anything from them.
The difficult thing is that high-functioning anxiety often goes unnoticed even by the woman herself, because she’s still functioning, going to work, still making dinners, still answering messages and still turning up, but inside, her body may be stuck in survival mode.
This is where understanding the nervous system changes everything; anxiety is not simply “thinking too much”. It lives in the body as much as the mind. When the nervous system has spent years in a state of stress, vigilance or emotional suppression, the body begins to treat ordinary life as though it’s slightly unsafe. This can show up as shallow breathing, muscle tension, digestive issues, poor sleep, irritability, overthinking, people-pleasing and a constant sense of pressure.
It’s exhausting to live like that for years and many women do, quietly, with nobidy noticing. That’s why I love working gently with breath and body-based approaches alongside talking. Because sometimes women don’t need fixing — they need somewhere safe enough to finally stop paddling for a while.
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